I don’t know where life and time are taking me. I do trust them but there’s a very potent part of me that knows that there is no going back from here. I know running is futile and puerile too, so that’s not going to happen. But I still need some form of clarity. Something… Anything. My life is seasoned with uncertainty and I don’t know how to deal with it. I try to ignore the urge to give in to this gyre of chaos but sometimes I can’t help but realise that I am a victim and nothing more. This helplessness tinged with disappointment… It is making me fall short when it comes to living my life. There’s so much to do and so much to live for and I am right here… Stagnant , frozen in my own little world of delusions and misgivings. It is not like I don’t want to move along with the rest of the world but it feels like no matter how hard I try I never can.
It is actually the momentum of the rest of the world that’s stifling me into a state of, seemingly, unending inertia. Is it that normal? This feeling of hopeless doom? Of a premonition promising an end… Mine?
I feel like what I am feeling is universal in its essence but then again… I feel like I am the only fly entrapped in this spider’s web; stuck in an inescapable network of chaos which will ultimately lead to a very painful end.
I can’t just focus on one thing. I can see through the tunnel into a kaleidoscope of colours and confusion is the only prominent feature right now. I know giving into this notion of confusion is not how I will consolidate any clarity whatsoever.
I am just hoping writing all this down makes it a little easier on me and my heart. Writing helps in ways nothing else does, for me especially. I don’t know what I want right now and it’s not right for me to feel like this..!! That’s what I have been told.
But I’ll be fine
Another thing I’ve been told quite often.