I feel like I can’t write without wishing a hundred people would read it. Is it crazy to wish for anonymity and then squirm with longing to have people know about what you’re feeling? I know the practical aspect of this platform emphasises on how there are a million other people writing better entertaining things that are probably what everyone wants to read. Who wants to read frikkin’ paragraphs on my life and the shit I am going through. It makes me feel so small and insignificant and it gets so hard to deal with this with a positive point of view.
No I am not going to talk about the latest trends in make up and clothes and what’s up with the frikkin Kardashians but I will talk about myself and how I need this place to help me out.
I want people to know I exist. I want people to feel the pain that can be felt by the depths of human emotion. I want people to know that ‘this’ is hard. Surviving is fucking hard. Especially when you have to do it alone. Even when you’re surrounded by the people who love you. You feel like you’re a part of some other universe where no one can understand how strong the gravity of pain is… and how it is pulling you towards it’s centre of burning mass trying to consume you whole. But you try to fight with whatever you can while you notice that no one fucking cares. They care in a way that they can never make you feel like they do. I am not sure of keeping up with the world is something people do to help them to fight the gravity I am talking about… But I sure am.
I am not consistent. I am not perfect. I am just a someone on one side of the planet trying to make it through another day. I am trying to fucking make it every second of the day on my own and why? That is the worst thing about all this… This realisation that there is no point any longer. That it is too much effort. I am a fighter and I know I won’t give up but what the fuck. I need to figure out something to calm down this meteor shower of hurt and loneliness.
I’ll try to write more often and shorter things that help me and hopefully a few other people.