Consistency has always been something I’ve struggled with. I know it’s absolutely ridiculous how I hope that after writing for a month or two would get me the best viewership and all the awesomeness would come along and I did not get that this time around or any time around to be honest. That was why I took a break. I wanted time off to understand what I wanted both from life and myself.
I always procrastinate writing because I think I am not good enough. I promise myself that I will be once I start reading a lot more than I do… But I am scared of writing because it seems like it’s an incessant pain you carry with yourself. It feels like an anchor that would tie me and bind me to one place… Chain me to the opinion of others, make me a prisoner of their criticism. I read so many blogs and writers everyday and some of my friends who use their extensive vocabulary in a very threatening way. Somehow their writing what they think is a representation of themselves made me lose confidence in what I write and what represents me as a writer. I don’t know if someone is going to take out sometime off their busy schedule and read this but I do know, that this makes me happy. I cannot give up what makes me happy just because someone else is doing the thing that gives them happiness. I might not be a great writer but I know I am a writer. I might not match some of the standards that have been created by so many people but I know this is my dream. This is who I am and I cannot give this up because someone else would have an opinion of it. People are not going to like my work now but I will work hard and I will do what I have to do to make my dream come true for myself and my soul’s happiness.
I have trouble with consistency because I think all that goes into a good successful blog or work is a large audience. I have developed a certain, um, disregard for what people have to say. You like it? great, you don’t? that’s okay too. There’s always going to be people who don’t like what you do or how you do it but I want to do what I love, consistently. I am going to make mistakes. They might be grammatical mistakes or mistakes otherwise, very general ones, but they WILL happen and I cannot avoid them if I want to achieve my dream.
I need to stop being scared. Scared of achieving what I want just because I’m scared of what everyone else would think… Maybe even because I am scared of myself… Of never satiating myself with what I do… Somehow always missing the mark I set for myself. But it’s okay… I cannot be scared of failure if I want to achieve my dream.
Just writing these words makes me feel brave(-r than I’ve ever felt before), about my choices and who I’ve chosen to be, specifically.